How Samoans Process Emotional Distress:

1.  Act like it doesn't exist.
 



2.  Pretend only other people get depressed.

 



3.  Eat a big meal then another after it.  Go to sleep, wake up, and do it again.

 


4.  Eat from the minute your eyes open until they close.  Keep a stash of favorite foods by or better yet, under, your bed.  Be sure to clean away the empties every week.




5.  Eat Ice Cream.  Eat it from the container while reclining on your bed and watching TV.

 


6.  Be sure and avoid green foods.  Well mint ice cream is okay.  But avoid all other green foods especially if they are uncooked.

 


7.  Don't overdo exercise.  It could cause heart failure.  Performing some feats of strength on a monthly basis are sufficient to keep the Samoan physique in good shape.  But only feats of strength using the powerful musculature that is the Samoan blessing to have by natural genetics.  Anything aerobic should be saved for occasions of great personal danger, when running swiftly away is necessary.  Don't worry that missing regular aerobic workouts has reduced the Samoan ability to run.  Again, the natural powerful musculature of the Samoan leg will suffice.




8.  Brain function...when a Samoan is emotionally distressed, it never helps to conserve energy and calm down.  What is required is to throw an enormous tantrum of epic proportion such as smashing a new TV, or old one...the sound of smashing glass signifies progress towards annihilating the perceived threat.  Then follows the need for nutrition again, repeating step #3.  This cycle actually erases all brain memory of the original emotional trauma.



9.  Humor.  It is vital that the Samoan use his inborn gift of humor to minimize all emotional dis-stressors.  (Please note, this may not work for other people....well it won't work for other peoples since they lack the mutant gene for weirdness that only true FOB's have...btw...the presence of this gene is confirmed by the density of muscle tissue along a person's shoulders, thighs and calves...oh and also, the feet are remarkably equipped to stomp out fires.)




10. Sense of rhythm.  The Samoan may use his natural sense of rhythm, (sometimes referenced as gross motor skills by intellectual smartypants folks who don't have it) to avoid trouble.  As in, for example...avoiding dealing with the realities of life such as heartbreak, mental breakdown, illness, unemployment, rejection, failing grades, by organizing a feast and dance night.  (Again, the all important reference to nutrition therapy....)